If you'd like to talk to someone, there's a list of warmlines in various states in the USA here: Īnother thing I wholeheartedly recommend to help you deal with negative thoughts is what's known as 'mindfulness'. And right now it's crying out for more sensitive people like you! In the meantime try to get support from somewhere like mentioned above. They are out there, really, it's a wide world and there's a place in it for everyone. When you get a job or maybe go on to college you will meet other like-minded people. Things WILL get better, really they will, especially as you get older and get more control over your own life. It may not seem like it right now, but you do have lots to live for, and you've certainly no reason to hate yourself - other people or society maybe for making you feel that you can't be your true self, but don't hate yourself! And try not to vent your frustrations by cutting or other things that harm you physically and mentally. I don't know what to do anymore, i am so lost.ĭear Kitty, reading your story touched me and I'm so sorry that you're having to cope with such distressing things in your life at the moment.īut please don't give up on life. As time is passing the void inside myself has only grown bigger. Sometimes i fear death, other times i welcome it. I do not know what the future will hold for me. Someone i can rely on, but it looks like it's not in the cards for me. A partner, someone i can share my issues with. All i have longed for now is a companion. I hate myself more then i hate everyone in the world combined. Which lead to a relapse in self harm and suicide attempts. They didn't care that it was what made me feel whole and happy. My family disliked me even more for wearing feminine clothing. He said i can't wear skirts and such because my siblings friends might comment on it or bother them about it. They said you reflect on this whole family when you post stuff on social media. I had no idea why and they explained why. She didn't hate me for it or anything i hope. My sister had told my parents the next day what happened. It started an argument between the girls about sexism. One of her friends had saw the picture i posted and she showed it to the girls at the sleepover. My older sister had been at a sleepover with friends that night. I posted a picture of myself in the skirt. I had bought myself a skirt, feeling confident in who i am and what kind of person i wanted to be. During the summer of my 10th grade year (2020) i felt better about myself. In 8th grade and 9th grade i started attempting suicide. I was often a target of bullying especially because i had come out as bisexual. My dads drinking is what left me with chronic anxiety and depression, ptsd, and odd. My dad turned to alcohol to solve his problems. When i was 8 my mom was diagnosed with terminal acute myeloid leukemia. I think I'm just trying to justify suicide so if i go i won't regret it. To this day whenever i see them during passing time it simply reminds me of the pain. They have been a big part of my self hatred. I don't eat lunch in the lunch room because of a specific group of people. I have a few peers i am familiar with but nothing more. I have become extremely antisocial during covid. Instead it builds up even more frustration. Yet i don't have the courage to kill myself. What bothers me is i know if i committed suicide nobody would be significantly effected other then my household family. Not a day goes by where i feel happy, or even content with my life. However in the words of John Green "Thats the thing about pain. I take 7 pills a day to regulate my feelings. I have chronic anxiety and depression, adhd, odd, and ptsd. They see my self harm as attention seeking. Nobody in my family has ever been suicidal. I struggle in school and my parents often label me as the problem child for it. I often cry alone without having anyone to go to. I am the black sheep in my family, my 5 siblings and parents are the perfect suburban family. What devours me is not being able to tell my family how i feel. It did help become me more likeable, but all everyone saw me for my body only. I used to workout to become more likeable. I fear that if i do i will be ridiculed by others. Hello, i am 16 and I've been wanting to talk about suicide for a long time.
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